I know you’re hoping that there isn’t a broadway week on American Idol, but if there is, PLEASE PLEASE PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEASE sing Gethsemane. I will cry with happiness. You are amazing. If a genie granted me three wishes, I’d wish to be able to grant my own unlimited wishes, then I’d wish for you to be my friend and for you to sing Gethsemane from Jesus Christ Superstar. In closing, I love you and I’m NOT creepy, so if you want to have the coolest friend ever, hit me up.
So here I was, all innocently ready to watch America’s Next Top Model and forget all about Jason “Jerk of the World” Mesnick, and then I find out that Melissa joins Dancing With The Stars? The one reality show that I DON’T like?!
Of course, now I HAVE to watch it. I’m not gonna like it, but I think it’s clear that I don’t have a choice in the matter. They even used her picture from The Bachelor because they didnt’ have time for a photoshoot before she had to go on the show!
Melissa was chosen last-minute to join the cast of Dancing With The Stars because Nancy O’Dell dropped out four days prior to the premier due to injury. And she did pretty well! Please, to observe:
Three words sum up the reason I’m glad I worked out at the ass-crack of dawn this morning: Agent Jack Bauer.
…Um. How do you even respond to that? “Thank you for watching, but this was my real life.” So…since it was your real life…we’re supposed to pardon you for being a douche? His apologies sound so fake. Who the eff is he apologizing to? Apologize to yourself for being such a tool. I don’t need his phony “I’m sorry” b.s., I just need him to fade away, like a fart floating on the wind.
…on Ellen! God, I love Ellen. She’s incred.
So I know I promised that I wouldn’t write anymore, but I know that some of you are following the saga and we must get closure, to borrow a phrase from Melissa herself.
Here are my thoughts:
Like a phoenix rising from the ashes of The Bachelor’s plummet to earth, Ty-ty Banks and America’s Next Top Model will renew my devotion to reality television. Since Dave’s got night class tonight, I’m going to try my hand at live-commenting on the show, right here. Feel free to join me in the comments! Pretty please? With sugar on top?
Judging by the look of the new photos on the CW’s website, I’m guessing they’re going to do a cut-out doll theme. Just a guess.
My last post on The Bachelor (maybe) (okay, probably) (unless something else happens that makes me freak out)
I’ll keep this brief: the emails exchanged between Melissa and Jason after he dumped her on television have been leaked. You can read them here. Also, the creator of the show totally screwed Jason (or exposed him, depending on how you look at it) and said that he was never contractually obligated to break up with Melissa on the air. So, yeah, he’s a classless pig. Says Reality Steve:
He’s proposed to two different women in a year, and is now working on his 3rd “girlfriend” in that time. I’d say he’s a little fickle.
You know how in history class, we read letters exchanged by historical figures? I remember reading the letters Napoleon wrote Josephine. I wonder if kids 150 years from now will be studying emails like this. That would be hilarious. I sure hope that when you go to heaven (or wherever) you can still spy on the world. I’d get some good laughs out of that.
Napoleon and Josephine had a public divorce – sound familiar? – that everyone and their mom knew about in advance. Hm. And Jason’s not even, like, an emperor or anything. So he really doesn’t have much going for him. At least Napoleon had a political legacy. From PBS:
The divorce ceremony was a grand but solemn social occasion, and each read a statement of devotion to the other.
Far from ever finding cause for complaint, I can to the contrary only congratulate myself on the devotion and tenderness of my beloved wife. She has adorned thirteen years of my life; the memory will always remain engraved on my heart.
With the permission of our august and dear husband, I must declare that, having no hope of bearing children who would fulfill the needs of his policies and the interests of France, I am pleased to offer him the greatest proof of attachment and devotion ever offered on this earth.
Poor Josephine’s forced response reminds me of the email Chris read from Melissa last night. It sucks how the broken women have to put on this brave face and talk about how they know it’s all for the best. Anyway. That’s enough. I lied about being brief. Sorry.
(p.s. I found that image on a blog called My Napoleon Obsession. You must read it! I added it to my blogroll so I can learn new stuff about Napoleon every day. I’ve got a similar obsession with Henry VIII and the Tudors, so it’s right up my alley.)
That’s what that jerk-face should have said, anyway. Instead, he went on the After The Final Rose Ceremony: Part Deux and cried more crodocile tears over how much he hurt Melissa and how hard it is to be hated for “living my real life.”