10 Reasons I love Canadians: From “Eh” to “Zed”

[In honor of Canada Day today, I’m re-posting an oldie but a goodie. I imagine that as soon as Dave and I are pronounced husband and wife I’ll magically become more polite and start saying “Hey?” instead of “You know?I’ve added an extra reason for loving Canadians that has come to my attention recently, as well.]

You may or may not know that I am marrying a Canadian. That’s right – in five months’ time three weeks, I’ll be a Canuck by marriage. Now, many of us Yanks like to make fun of our little sister to the north, but I gotta say: since getting to know the maple-lovers, I’m kind of smitten. (Random: Look at this kid on Yahoo trying to “understand” Canadians. See, Americans are trying. We’re just ignorant about the ways of your people.)

So get in the line-up, grab a nice cold glass of homo milk, count your loonies, put on your touque, and don’t be a hoser. Canadians are totally sweet. Here are the 10 reasons I love ’em.

Reason 1: Their Foreign Minister probably got jiggy with our Secretary of State. I say “probably” but I actually believe it. I mean, if the NY Times covered it…then it has to be true. Anyway, I don’t blame Condi. Canadians are hot and extremely polite, if I do say so myself.

You could cut the sexual tension with a knife!
You could cut the sexual tension with a knife!

Reason 2: Trebek.

trebek
I’ll take “Sexy Moustaches” for four-hundred, Alex.

Reason 3: Canadians are nice, even when they’re being mean. Think of a chipper Irish or British person’s speech – inflection, cadence, etc. – except give them American R-sounds. That’s about how Canadians talk. So when they say mean things, they still sound nice! But the reality is that they will never, ever say anything mean because they’re genetically incapable. See, look! Even when they try to be badass, they’re still so lovable!

Reason 4: T-shirts like this:

From Palmer Cash, naturally.
From Palmer Cash, naturally.

Reason 5: Universal healthcare. Sure, there are some issues with their healthcare system, but they’re nothing compared to the issues with ours. Medical bills are the number one reason for bankruptcy in the US…people without the ability to afford health insurance are dying every day. Plus, dude, in Canada, you can go to the doctor for ANYTHING and you don’t have to pay a penny! That kicks ass.

canadian-healthcare-cartoon

Reason 6: They look really cute when they sleep (well, MY Canadian does, anyway).

A typical Saturday morning chez Wiggs-n-Dave...he's sleeping, I'm sneaking around doing creepy things like taking pictures of him
A typical Saturday morning chez Wiggs-n-Dave…he’s sleeping, I’m sneaking around doing creepy things like taking pictures of him

Reason 7: The Canadian bloggers are just a pleasure to read. They’re all fun and bright, and they spell things like British people so I feel all cultured while I’m reading: favourite, theatre, colour, etc. And to them, the last letter of the alphabet is “zed.” Basically, they’re as classy as the British, minus the pessimism (having lived in London, I feel well-qualified to say that Brits can be Debbie Downers – in a hilarious way). Some of my fave blogs from the Great White North include Oh She Glows, Yarn Harlot, and Ghost of a Flea.

Reason 8: The metric system. All you have to know is how to multiply and divide by 10. That’s it. Can you imagine how amazing that would be? None of this 5,280 feet in a mile, 12 inches in a foot, 8 pints in a gallon, water boiling at 212 degrees Fahrenheit crap. Just know your tens and you’re good to go. I mean, who invented the American measurement system anyway? Because I would like to get in a time machine and give that person a hearty slap across the face.

peanuts

Reason 9: They have a queen…AND a democracy. That’s amazing, right? They get all the excitement of a royal family, but they don’t have to worry about tyranny. Not that Queen Elizabeth would ever turn into a tyrant. But I don’t know about that Prince William. He’s just too good-looking to trust.

He's got megalomania written aaaaaall over him.
This one’s got megalomania written aaaaaall over him.

Reason 10: Poutine. Let’s see…french fries? Check. Gravy? Check. DELICIOUS CHEESE CURD? Check. A name derived for the French word for “prostitute”? Triple-check. Funny story – one time my friend was trying to flirt with this Canadian guy at a bar. She’d had a couple of drinks, so her memory was starting to fail on her and she forgot the correct word for poutine. In an attempt to show him that she knew about his country, she asked him, “Do you eat a lot of poon when you’re home?”

A nice plate of poon...I mean poutine.
A nice plate of poon…I mean poutine.

Bonus Reason 11: Most of them know the words to the Canadian, British, French, American, and Chinese national anthems, but none of us know anything besides the “O Canada” part of theirs. I was at my bro-in-law’s high school graduation last month and before the ceremony started, everyone stood to sing the Canadian national anthem. People, I didn’t even TRY to pretend I knew it. I’d never heard the whole thing all the way through. Dave kept poking me in the ribs and giving me his most stern (well, stern by Canadian standards) look and mouthing, “JUST MOVE YOUR LIPS” at me. So I put my hand over my heart and started saying the Pledge of Allegiance, in typical asshole-American style.

For all of you Americans who, like me, are future Canadians, here are the lyrics. Get memorizin’.

O Canada!
Our home and native land!
True patriot love in all thy sons command.
With glowing hearts we see thee rise,
The True North strong and free!
From far and wide, O Canada,
We stand on guard for thee.
God keep our land glorious and free!
O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.
O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.

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15 Responses to “10 Reasons I love Canadians: From “Eh” to “Zed””

  1. From a Canadian – I read it when you originally posted the piece. Still one of the funniest blog about Canadians. It just does not “feel” right to spell favourite or colour without the “u.”

    Enjoy your wedding in a few weeks, it will be one of glorious day.

  2. Okay, this post is why I read your blog! “I’ll take sexy moustaches for four-hundred, Alex.” Hilarious!

  3. No way, poutine should have been number one!!! 😛

  4. Thanks for the Canadian post! Happy Canada Day!

  5. BAHAHA, I love number 6! Creepers.

  6. hi wiggs! another canuck here, love your blog 🙂 and congrats on the half marathon!! that’s awesome. i did my first one of may 31st, it was slow and it wasn’t pretty, but it was fun and i cant wait to do it again!

  7. My sister sent me the link to your blog. I was so pleased to find that this was the first entry I saw. Very funny. Though, as a mean Canadian, I’m starting to feel a little guilty for not living up to all of the expectations! American magasines are going to start singling us crotchety Canadians out soon… So you’ll know which parts of Canada to avoid (Manitoba, Saskatchewan, Alberta and the North).

  8. I love Canadians cause they actually know how to pronounce my name unlike the lazy southern Americans!! haha!

  9. I’m late, it’s July 2nd by now… arg! But Thanks for the wishes and the great list. Alex Trebbek though? I’m sure we have sexier guys living and working in the US you could have mentionned.

    Being from Québec, where poutine was invented, that picture of yours has dark gravy and that’s just not right!!! St-Hubert makes poutine sauce you can buy in grocery stores, check it out.

    I think you and Dave are destined for HEA, hope the wedding pics are posted on The View from Here so I can satisfy my nosy neighbour alter ego.

    Bonne Fête du Canada!

    • Dude, Trebek is sex-ayyy. He’s smart, he speaks francais, he’s poised…swoon! I hear you on the poutine thing – I just found an image online that didn’t look like puke (you’d be surprised how few people take pictures of their poutine – probably because they have to eat it the second it’s set in front of them).

  10. So i am super late on this, but I died laughing and had to post! Poutine is my fave! You should see the people here in michigan stare when I whip out little white vinegar packets for my fries. Don’t even get me started on the poutine! Funny story though.
    A few years ago, My husband (then boyfriend) and his best friend Larry came over to Windsor, Ontario to visit me. We went to Harvey’s restaurant and I ordered my usual burger and poutine. Larry was flirty with the girl behind the counter. He goes up and starts chatting with her. We’re snickering at the table and watching. He orders a large diet pop and an order of poutine. But calls it Poon tang instead of poutine. I laughed so hard that I snorted (loudly) and nearly died with a bad case of hysterical giggles. The Girl’s face turned red as he continued on and on about how he loves Poon Tang from Harveys. Then he puts on the ladies man voice and starts suggesting that they go out sometime. How she looked at him and kept a straight face while politely declining his offer I will never know!

    It was so funny. When he sat at the table and opened the lid, he blanched and almost gagged (Until he tried it that is)

  11. I’m so happy to know someone loves canada so much =)
    I was born and raised here so i’m a little bias when it comes to loving Canada but i really do ^^

  12. Super late reading this, but I’m glad I found this blog…. for I too have a strange love for anything and anyone Canadian… Happy you found a Canadian to marry! So jealous! I’m officially only dating Canucks from now on. 😛 Alos, love that you gave the lyrics for us “future Canadians” to memorize haha

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