For one of my classes in this, my last quarter of business school, my professor asked us to write a This I Believe essay. I wrote two because my first one was about poop (but I turned both in and got a good grade on both, proving my hypothesis that everyone loves poop and poop is hilarious). Anyway. The second one took some serious introspection and, well, here you go. Apologies for the nerdiness; I attend the business school where fun (and geeks) goes to die. Maybe the essay explains my absence? Maybe not? I don’t know. Also, if you’re getting married and can get Smilebooth, do it. I am the photo booth queen.

Regression to the Mean

Nearly two years ago, I was sitting at my best friend’s dining table, my brain fuzzy with joy. It had been the best week of my life. I was two months away from marrying my soul mate. He and I were living with our two best friends for the summer. I had found twenty dollars on the ground. I was skinny. The day before, I had learned I would be going to the #1 business school in the country. And that morning, another unexpected call, this one from New York: I was being given a book deal. A big one.

I sat at the dining table, wondering what to do with myself. Nobody was home to squeal and jump around with me. I remember looking down at my hands and feeling oddly detached from them and the rest of my body.

Suddenly, I was gripped with overwhelming panic. This was too good. Way too good. Irrationally, I began to fear I’d used up all of my good luck in life. Regression toward the mean – this week’s fortunes would have to be offset by something else, later.

How could I show my gratitude to the Dude in the sky? Maybe he would take pity on me, and give me only sort-of-bad luck to even things out. A stubbed toe, a broken wine glass, that sort of thing.

Later that evening, when I shared the news with my friends and fiancé, we clapped and cheered and jumped around the room like wild monkeys. Another stroke of luck for me: I was surrounded by people who loved me, who were genuinely happy for my serendipity.

The next few months passed in a whirlwind of happiness. I got married, I began business school, I finished the first draft of my book. I somehow managed to stay skinny. We brought home a new puppy, Baxter, and I discovered the unbridled joy and hilarity that come with owning a dog. I got a job.

Somewhere in the back of my mind, though, I kept thinking about regression toward the mean. How could I stay grateful for this unprecedented happiness?

It has been a really bad year. My parents have gone through an ugly divorce. My husband’s family – now my beloved family - experienced frightening health scares. Both of my grandfathers have been in and out of the hospital. I got a bad grade in Investments. Every time I give my dog a bath, he takes a revenge dump on the floor. I got into a wreck in an uninsured car. I gained twenty pounds. Some days I’m so overwhelmed by egocentric self-pity that I can’t force myself to get out of bed.

Now I’m counting on that regression toward the mean. I don’t actually believe some guy is sitting up there in the sky making sure nobody exceeds their allotted amount of bliss. But here’s what I do believe: life regresses to the mean. And that’s wonderful. In times of great joy, the mean anchors me to earth and keeps me humble. In times of great sorrow, the mean is my life vest, keeping me afloat. And when life just feels average, well, that’s because it is. This I believe. 

kay, so normally I don’t like to post a ton of photos of me and what I wear because usually the answer to any question you might have about my outfit is “My workout clothes” or “Anthropologie.” But. You guys. Apparently I’m late to the ball here, but there’s this new-fangled thing called Rent the Runway and it has changed my life. Bachelorette parties, formals, appearances for my book tour, any other occasion where I need to wear a dress…it’s amazing.

See, I’ve alluded to this, but thanks to some stress (and all of the cheese I need to eat to deal with it), I’ve packed on a few pounds in the last six months or so. And I’m broke. Both of those things mean that I can’t really afford to stock up on, ahem, stockier clothes for the various events I need to attend.

That’s where RtR comes in (I think I just made up that acronym, but probably not since apparently I’m the last person on earth to hear about RtR). For $50-250 – though why the hell you would ever spend $250 on a rental dress is beyond me – you can rent designer dresses that come in the mail, straight to you, for four nights. Then you just stick ‘em in the provided envelope and throw them in a blue mailbox and you’re golden. They also send you a second size free in case you’re worried the one you ordered won’t fit, AND, you can rent a second dress for $25.

Because, seriously, how often do you re-wear your nice gowns? Especially when your name is Wiggs and you refuse to purchase larger clothing sizes because you’ve convinced yourself this is a phase?

Okay, enough blabbing, here are the first two dresses I rented. The first was for a bachelorette party.

…

Wait, first, let me tell you about my posing. The reason I posted all of these Oscars pictures was because…this is embarrassing. I may or may not have been studying what ladies do on the red carpet recently. And then I attempted to emulate it for these photos. Here’s what was a good idea, though – putting my hand on my hip (you should SEE the ones where my arm was hanging – not good) and not facing the camera straight-on (take note, brides!). Bad idea: everything else I did, from the cheesy tilt of my head down to the plastered-on smile.

So here’s the bachelorette party dress. I rented that necklace (which I wore both nights).

And then here’s the dress for the formal, which was the next night. (Bonus: I got to wear flats) (Un-bonus: I would have looked slimmer if I had worn heels) (Re-bonus: I need to stop worrying about my figure and just get to the damn gym)

I’ll try to field your questions now: My hair was half my own curls, half fake ones created by this dream machine that I got last year by saving up a bunch of gift cards and coupons. I can tell you about specific makeup stuff if you have questions, but I kept it pretty neutral with all warm tones.

From Lovely Package

es, yes, I fell off the face of the earth again. My schedule is cray-cray right now, mostly in a good way, but it means that if I need to spend an hour and a half doing battle with a roach in my bathroom, other stuff gets pushed aside. (As the resident Texan in our condo, I am responsible for roach warfare when they crawl up the drains – Dave grew up in Canada where there are no creepy crawlies and everyone poops rainbows and sunshine.) So! All of this is a long-winded introduction to my idea for you: follow my shared Google reader items! I read about a bazillion blogs and share the CRAP out of my favorite posts (which, I’m sorry to say, blow mine out of the water). This way, even if you can’t read my ramblings, you’ll at least get to see what I’m loving (and get your much-needed procrastination done for the day).

From Tom & Lorenzo, nee Project Rungay

The blogs I read pretty much mirror my interests: design, hilarity, makeup, weddings, interior decorating, cute things, cooking, and Mormons. About that last one: yes, I, a decidedly non-LDS person, have a deep love for all things Mormon (seriously, Dave and I honeymooned in St. George, Utah, and you bet your ASS I went to all of the LDS landmarks). Trust me, you will too when you see these blogs.

From House of Turquoise

From Marta Writes

Here’s the link. Click it. Own it. Love it.

*note: I LOVED Michael Bogar, the guy who married us – I said something about “missing out” on having Paul Sladkis at our wedding but it wasn’t a criticism of our officiant!

Here’s the email conversation between my mother and me during our morning of radio interviews last week. So, you know, consider this your “behind the scenes” look at being a writer on satellite radio tour.

…or piddling sounds

On Fri, Feb 11, 2011 at 4:12 AM, Elizabeth Wiggs Maas wrote:

it’s prime plopping time here

On Fri, Feb 11, 2011 at 4:13 AM, Susan Wiggs wrote:

Also! I almost forgot that I made a pink Polyvore bedroom for VD! And then I felt all guilty for making something so girly, and I made a blue one too. You guys. My online shopping habit has been eradicated since I started using Polyvore. I don’t know if it’s because I love Polyvore so much, or because I went broke. But it was SOMETHING.

My pukingly pink Valentine’s Day bedroom by elizabethwiggsmaas featuring printed tops

Gold, blue, and gray bedroom by elizabethwiggsmaas featuring wedge heels

hhhh, VD jokes are never not funny to me. Anyway, just in time for your hot date tonight (with Brad Womack, if you know what’s good for you), here’s my new favorite way to get all tarted up. See, when you’re on t.v. they tell you to wear lipstick because the lights wash you out. So obviously I had to whip out every lip stain and stick I own to find the perfect shade. Hot pink. For VD. {Also, speaking of being on t.v., you can watch me and my mom here. And keep your eyes peeled for a bridesmaid Molly cameo or two, AND look for my awkward facial expressions because I had no idea where to look when I wasn’t talking.}

So these marker thingies from Josie Maran last for-fricking-ever. And if you don’t have chapped lips, you can wear them on their own, I suppose. But even under lip gloss, the color will stay through at LEAST eight flip-cup tournaments and you’ll still have a little flush left over in the morning. I know from experience.

Annnd…wah-LAH! Make out with me. Me and my moles.

So here’s how I do it: I put the lighter color (Jitterbug) all over my lips, then the darker color (Waltz) in the center of my mouth to keep myself from looking like I’ve been sucking on a highlighter. THEN I take an eyeshadow brush and dab shimmery white eyeshadow in my Cupid’s Bow (that is SO VD-esque of me to say!). That’s a li’l secret all the models use. And then I use my finger to put on my favorite lip gloss ever. Between rounds of flip-cup this weekend, I made all of my girlfriends try it and they are also in love. Aubs turned me onto this stuff and I’ve never looked back.

Also, in case you want some extra pink for your VD, I’m luuurving this eyeshadow set from Too Faced. And it’s called “Naked,” which is apropos if you ask me.

Also! In case you’ve been living under a rock, Anthropologie’s wedding line BHLDN (pronounced “beholden” – I’d like to have a little chat with the person who thought that would be a good name) launched today. Recognize any wedding shoes?!?! I feel so validated.

Do any of these make you hyperventilate, or is that just me? I’m glad I got married before this came out because I would NEED one of these dresses and they are way out of my 700-dollar budget.

…I need a cold shower. Happy VD, people.

Look at that determination, people! That’s an outfit right there. And you guys noticed! I got lots of compliments and I figured I’d share the outfit recipe with you so you could dress up as me for H-ween this year. Ha. Um. Right.

Annyhooo, since we all know I’m completely and totally addicted to Polyvore, I figured the best way to share my outfit with you would be to make a new set!!! And for everything except the belt, I tried to find inexpensive versions that wouldn’t put a dent in the ol’ wallet.

Okay, enough talk. Here’s the magic potion: NARS Sheer Glow Foundation. Yes, it’s $42, but if I’m going to slather something all over every inch of my face and neck, it needs to be exactly right. I got this brush for putting it on, then copied Julia’s technique (including the part about doing my ears if I’m wearing my hair up – I learned that tip on my wedding day).

Above, you have my enablers – I mean, um, three best friends, Molly, Lindsey, and Aubrey. Clearly Aubs loves my skin so much she would like to eat it.

“But Wiggs,” you say, “You’ve got WAY MORE than just foundation sitting on your vanity.”

That’s right, darling. I do. Because I went a little cray-cray with my girlfriends (see above) at Sephora and found a way to make myself look like I have perfect skin. I use my fingers to pat a little bit of this crap all over my face over the foundaysh, post-cover up, pre-blush (I use the Flash color). THEN! I brush some of THIS stuff post-blush as a finishing touch on my cheekbones and temples (in the Peach Mosaic color). Because when the weather is like this:

or this:

or, you know, this:

…there’s just no way you’re going to glow naturally. Anyone who says she can is just straight-up lying, as far as I’m concerned.

Alright, so here’s the proof that (a) I love you and (b) I have no pride left. Photos (from my book signing). Unfortch, the best shots of my skin also happened to show my most awkward expressions and/or double-chins and/or frenetic Godfather-like hand gestures when I talk. Awesome.

“I’m-a-gonna make-a-you an offah you can’ refuse! It’s-a-this naahhhce double-chin! Two for the price a’ one!”

Ohhhhkay, Aubrey, let’s talk about how closely you decided to zoom in on the ol’ money-maker. And while we’re at let, let’s have a conversation about the expression on my face. I must have just accidentally eaten an olive.

Just to give you an idea of how much coverage the NARS stuff gives, if you look at my chin closely, you can see a couple of, ahem, beauty marks (not that giant mole that looks like peanut butter; that’s been the bane of my existence since I was little). Okay, they’re zeets. I said it with a French accent so it didn’t sound as bad. Anyway, there you have it. Don’t show these photos to ANYONE.

{here’s me reading}

eriously, guys? You’re amazing. Thanks so much for all of your emails and nice comments about the book. I was a little nervy that people wouldn’t understand the point of HOW I PLANNED YOUR WEDDING but it seems like my fears were unfounded. A couple of things: for those of you in Seattle, I’ll be doing a signing at Third Place Books on Monday night at 7. We’re giving away some amazing stuff…last week we gave away a KitchenAid; Monday it’s something equally cool and useful, along with a bunch of other lovely gifts like sugaring (which my high school French teacher won at the last signing…hmm…)

{here’s me throwing the bouquet for the KitchenAid Stand Mixer}

ALSO…if you really do love the book as much as it sounds like you do, puh-leeeaze feel free to go to Amazon.com and write your review there. You’d be surprised at the impact those reviews have. Just look at Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother. Reviews made that book famous before it was even published.

…found at my new favorite blog sent to me by an old high school friend. I think the guy in the video should keep his eye out for me because I may have to steal that little munchkin.