When I tell people I have an addiction to makeup, they usually laugh and shake their head at me, as if to say “Yeah, I totally know what you mean. I love makeup too.” Many women have said to me, “I have, like, an entire DRAWER full of makeup!”
My response usually goes something like this: “My child,” I say solemnly, sighing. “You don’t know the half of it.” Then I take the person by her trembling hand and lead her to my chest. My chest full of makeup. “An entire drawer, you say?” I ask. “I have two entire drawers devoted to each individual part of my face – eyes, lips, cheeks, face – plus two more drawers of miscellaneous products and free samples.”
It’s sad, my friends. I have a problem. But if it’s wrong, I don’t wanna be right! I love makeup (or, as I call it, “maykee”) and I love having lots of it and I love gazing at it even when I’m not using it. I love it. If someone asked me to hold all of my makeup at once, I would be physically unable because it weighs over 100 pounds. I know this because when we moved out here, I had two suitcases and a bag devoted to makeup, and they had to be weighed before we could take them on a train.
So I figured, since I own all of this shizz, why not start reviewing it? Each time I do a makeup review, I will pick one product that I LOVE and one that was a disappointment. Some of these (like the two I’ll be reviewing today) have been in my makeup chest for years; others will be new-fangled products that are just making a splash on the cosmetics scene. If there’s anything that you’ve been thinking about trying but aren’t sure about, ask me first. Odds are, I’ve already bought it in three shades.
This review showcases a FAB blush and a lip gloss that everyone pretends to love, but I think they’re just putting on a show because it was so expensive (just like True Religion jeans, and don’t even TRY to convince me that they’re cute because they’re NOT).
I tromped into my makeup room – ahem – I mean my bedroom today to choose my inaugural products. I looked in one of my eyeshadow drawers…
…one of my lip drawers…
…and one of my cheek drawers…
And I figured I’d go with two products that weren’t what I expected when I first tried them. First, the bad review. You’ve probably heard of DuWop’s Lip Venom. It was the product that put DuWop on the makeup junkie map. According to Sephora:
The original Lip Venom is a transparent gloss that enhances the natural color and shape of the lips by increasing circulation with a spicy, tingly blend of essential oils including cinnamon and ginger. The result: An attractively pumped up pout.
Now, look, part of the appeal of makeup is the packaging. And Lip Venom has got it down.
And when you shell out $16 on a lip gloss, you reeeeeally want to like it, right?
But here’s how I feel about it: first, it smells like bubblegum. And not in a good way. More in a Pepto Bismol sort of way. Second, the tube of gloss itself is about three-quarters the size of my pinkie. Not much bang for your buck. Third, ouch!!! When I first put it on, I don’t really notice anything, but about five minutes later (or less, if I have chapped lips) my mouth starts burning like I just rubbed a raw hot tamale all over it. Then, when my lips are supposed to be “swelling,” they’re actually just getting suuuuper irritated. Worse, the skin around my lips gets all red from the gloss that seeps onto it, so soon I start looking like a clown, or like I have a yeast infection on my lips (that happened to me once, so I know what I’m talking about) (it sucked) (apparently it’s pretty common, too, so don’t get all “EWWWW WIGGS” on me because it was very hard for me to admit that just now) (it happened because my lips were chapped and my dermatologist told me to put a steroid cream on them, which actually causes yeast to breed like a little mofo) (yeast is a naturally occuring bacteria that lives all over your body) (moral of the story: don’t trust your derm when he tells you to put steroids on your mouth).
I don’t know. I feel like my lips are a good size and color without any gloss on, so maybe that’s why I’m not over the moon about Lip Venom. Maybe gals with thin or pale lips experience the product differently. Honestly, though, if you grab a tube of Sephora-brand lip gloss, you’ll save yourself about 8 bucks and a whole world of pain.
Next up: the good review. NARS Creme Blush in Penny Lane.
This little guy was a surprise, because I normally don’t like cream blush and I also tend to lead toward bright, garish colors.
This blush, though, is more of a dusty pink. I do think that it would be flattering to any skin-tone. I would love to see an African American chica try it on – it could create a really beautiful glow.
My only complaint about this blush is a complaint that I have about all cream blushes: since you have to sort of rub it onto your cheeks, you cause your cheeks to become a little pink just by mushing them around so much with your fingers. I always think I’ve put too much on, but if I wait five minutes for my face to calm the eff down, I realize that once again I have done my makeup perfectly. As per usual. Penny Lane will last for-ev-er because you don’t have to use much. Plus, it’s not as wet as most cream blushes, so it doesn’t make your skin oily and doesn’t “putty” your pores at all. It makes you gorgeous, no matter what expression you have on your face.
…right. So get ready for some makeup reviews from time to time. And I WILL do requests. Most of my reviews won’t be this long, but I figured that I had to frame my cosmetic musings in the background of my magical chest of beauty.