***UPDATE: when you’re done reading this post, make sure you read Part Deux for more exercises!***

When I was on swimteam, I had great abs. They were flat but didn’t look hard and manly. More importantly, they were strong as EFF. If somebody put their face against my stomach and I flexed, they would get a black eye. (not really, but I could do just about any ab exercise till the cows came home – which made me a much better athlete)

Step 1: Pick your wedgie

I’ve started doing my old ab routine once more, and I’m astonished that it used to be easy for me. It’s balls-hard! Still, whether you’re an athlete or just trying to get healthy, strong abdominal muscles are key. They’ll help you have better posture and form, and prevent injury. (I should note that my mom was taking these pics without her glasses on, so some of them are blurry – but you’ll get the point.)

One more thing before we get started: I am not in good shape right now. My form is NOT perfect in these pictures, but hopefully you will get an idea of what you’re supposed to look like while doing these exercises. And you’ll see that these are not very flattering photographs, so you better be grateful that I put them up at all.

Without further ado: How Swimmers Get Nice Abs (Or: You’re Going to be Abs-olutely GORGEOUS, Dah-ling)

Do each of these moves for one minute each. When I was on swimteam, we used to go through this whole cycle two or three times. If you’re just starting, though, you can do 45 seconds with 15 seconds rest, or 30/30…but make sure you’re challenging yourself! (Random trivia: we called our ab/plyometric exercises “drylands” – so next time you’re at the pool, talk about all of the “drylands” you’ve been doing and the swimmers will think you’re one of them.)

1. Regular Crunch

You’re SUPPOSED to get your shoulderblades off the ground and keep your elbows flat enough that you can’t see them out of your peripheral vision. Clearly I’m too much of a weakling to get that far. My head’s in a pretty good posish, though (unless you’re from the camp of people who think that your chin should point toward the ceiling the whole time).

2. Side-to-Side Abs

So, for this one, you pretend that there are two giant, steaming doughnuts on the ground – one by each ankle – and you take turns reaching for them. Your shoulderblades should be off the ground the whole time you’re doing this. Keep your chest flat: imagine that you have a cup of water sitting on your sternum and you don’t want to tip it off (obviously, my cup of water spilled).

3. Toe-touches

This used to be my least favorite exercise. I always dreaded it. I’m not even sure why; I certainly don’t think it’s the hardest.

OMG, I’m such a cheater! See how I flexed my feet there?! BAD WIGGS! In an ideal world, your legs are straight, with your toes pointed, the whole time. They shouldn’t move while you reach up to touch your toes with your fingertips. Moral of the story: do as I say, not as I do.

4. Pikes

Now, I know that some people (gymnasts) do this exercise differently, and to them I say “My way is better, so step off.”

This was so hard I couldn’t even suck my gut in to look pretty for you.

This is another example where my form could be MUCH better. Ideally, you finish in a “pike”, with your legs perfectly straight and toes pointed toward the sky.

5. Twists

It’s best to start this one slowly, because it can get confusing. Your feet should stay at least six inches off the ground the whole time. When you lift one knee, twist your trunk toward it and bring the opposite elbow to touch it. (Oh, do you see my face in the first picture? My mom was like “Don’t look like such a doof!” Apparently this is my non-doof face. I don’t usually look so angry.)

6. Flutter Kicks

This is the classic swimmer exercise because it mimics a move that we do in the water. A lot of people do it lying on their backs with their hands under their butt-cheeks, but I prefer the way I do it.

Keep your tempo fast during this exercise – pretend you’re listening to Flight of the Bumblebee.

7. Opposite Arm and Leg Lifts

Another classic swimmer move.

Make sure all four limbs are off the ground at the same time. (Although if you need an easier variation, you can let the non-lifted arm and leg rest lightly on the ground…but don’t tell me you did because I’ll think less of you.)

Lift your right arm and left leg; then your left arm and right leg. Repeat – and keep your tempo pretty quick the whole time. Try to go AT LEAST in time to “Beat It” by Michael Jackson. Also, doesn’t my butt look good? I think this move is pretty flattering for the booty. So if you’re trying to attract a cutie at the gym, be sure to do this one a LOT.

8. Plank

Ah, the plank. I hate it and I’m bad at it.

No, really, I hate it.

You’re supposed to have your back perfectly flat for this one, but clearly that’s hard for me. I blame my badonk-a-donk.

9. Elbow-to-knee

After everything you just did, this one will feel so easy. (That said, feel free to jumble these up – the order doesn’t really matter so much.)

This is another one where your leg shouldn’t move – all of the action should be in your abs squeezing your elbow up to your knee. This exercise actually takes two minutes because you have to switch sides…but you could also switch over half-way through (at the 30 second mark) if you’re taking it easy. The arm that’s not behind your head should be resting out flat on the ground. I have double-jointed elbows so that’s why my right arm looks so funny in these pictures.

10. Scissors

This is another one that some people do on their backs with their hands under their butts. But look how much cooler my way is! Right?!

It’s hard to see here, but my left leg is crossing over my right – like a scissor. When you do this move, alternate which leg ends up on top: left, right, left, right.

11. Reverse curls

This is half-way through the move. At the very top, you want to get your back and legs as straight as possible. Then come back to this position and lower your legs until they’re six inches off the ground (but I’ll yell at you if you let them touch the ground. My high school swim coach hooked himself in the eye when he was on a fly-fishing trip, and as a result his right pupil was permanently dilated. So when he yelled at us for doing the exercises wrong, he would squint his right-eye like Popeye and look suuuper scary.)

I had a helper.

He was very upset by me.

12. 45-degree crunches

Okay, people. This is the hardest exercise of them all. When I was on swimteam, we would actually do five minutes of this: 1 minute with our legs 30 degrees off the ground; 1 minute with our legs 45 degrees off the ground; 1 minute with our legs 90 degrees off the ground; then back down the ladder. If you don’t have time for a full ab workout but want something that will absolutely KILL you, you can do just that. But don’t come whining to me when you can’t stand up straight the next day.

It was so hard that my double-chin came out to play. Barkis didn’t know WHAT to think.

Now that I write these all out, I realize that I’ve forgotten a some of the abdominal exercises we used to do – so I’ll be putting up a Part Deux to this post sometime later this week. When I was on swimteam, we would usually do “13-minute abs” two or three times a week, and then twice a week we’d do this whole routine (plus some other moves that I’ll tell you about later) three times through.

Barkis was appalled that I was on the ground and not playing with him, so if you do these exercises around your pets, make sure they’re not prima donnas like he is.

My mom pointed out that he looks like the Pompeii dog in this photo.

Here’s what he thought of that:

Then we had a very serious talk about his behavior.

Can you see the family resemblance? I love my baby brother.

Speaking of family, don’t forget to enter The Beholder’s first contest! The prize…might be the coolest prize ever to be given out on the Internet. Ever. In the history of mankind.

Click here to read Part Deux of this post.